Misery Does NOT Love Company

At the end of 2015, I told myself that if 2016 was a replay of 2015 I wouldnt know what I would do. I thought 2015 was bad… aparently I didnt live through 2016. 

I cant seem to shake this sad feeling. I’m hanging by a string. A really thin string. 

I’ve accomplised a lot this year:

  1. Paying off my ticket and getting my drivers license back.
  2. Moving to another branch. 
  3. Going on a final written warning and can lose my job at any day.
  4. Taking a month and a half off of work to regroup, only to come back worse off than I am.
  5. Started taking bipolar meds.
  6. My car gave me so many issues. A brand new car. A lemon. I dont know where to start…
  7. I managed to owe everyone and their mother money. 
  8. I am in severe debt.
  9. I’ve had ups and downs.
  10. I’m on a down right now.
  11. I got HPV.
  12. I think I have Chlamydia.
  13. I do not have the time or the money to get therapy.
  14. I do not have the time or the money to go to my OB.
  15. I owe several doctors money.
  16. Ive ruined my credit.
  17. EVERBODY thinks Im crazy.
  18. I am afraid to raise my daughter.
  19. Nobody seems to respect me.
  20. I am renting and cannot afford to leave my current situation or buy a home.
  21. My guy situation is non existent and I cant seem to hold a proper relationship.
  22. I have no friends.
  23. I struggle with making some….

I dont know how to make things better.

  1. I am afraid for my future.
  2. I dont know how to pick up the peices.
  3. I feel alone.
  4. I have contemplated doing away with life.. 

But I dont want to leave my daughter. I want to be strong for her. I really and truly, deep in my soul, think things will get better but I dont know when or how. 

Im sad. I didnt sign up for this. and I single-handedly dont do anything to better my situation. I usually only make things worse. 

  1. I dont have money for gifts.
  2. I want to get better. 
  3. I havent been to church.
  4. I dont pray.
  5. I’d rather be on my phone instead.
  6. Im out of PTO.
  7. I cant call in to work, ever.
  8. I cannot be late.
  9. I am a mess.
  10. I havent had my nails, my waxing, a massage, a facial done in I dont know how long…

I had the hardest day at work today. I put my daughter to bed and literally forced myself not to cry. 

  1. I feel like I do so much and nobody seems to notice or care. 
  2. I feel over worked and under appreciated. 
  3. I feel guilty, on my days off, to not want to do anything. 
  4. I feel like if I dont keep my house clean I lose everything. 

I got high and went into work during my break. I was so miserable that I thought it might help. My colleagues thought it was weird that I came back into work with a huge smile on my face. 

  1. I have a pile of work on my desk I havent got to because I feel like Im being pulled in so many different directions.
  2. I need another job but cannot seem to find the time for one. 
  3. Uber seems to feel like a waste of time.. 
  4. Especially if I dont have gas to drive.
  5. My bank accounts are negative. 
  6. All. Of. Them. 

My lease on my car is due in April and I dont have the money or credit to get into another car. 

I dont want to let anyone down by giving up. I dont want to continue like this though.

I feel stuck. 

Im trying my best to think positive. 

The year isnt fully over yet… but when will the down bouce up?

***Misery Does NOT Love Company  I wouldnt wish this feeling on ANYONE. When will it end? Please say a little prayer for me… whoever reading this. I could sure use all I can get.***

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TIME

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Why did we choose time? Or did time choose us? Who made up the clock? When to eat breakfast, lunch, or dinner? Who chose when we start and end our workday? When to sleep, when to wake up. What is condsidered early? How about late? And WHY WHY WHY the hell does it matter if we’re late???

Time is society’s way of controling the masses. Everything you can possibly think of has a timeframe. It keeps the order and creates a solid stucture in our lives… but when is time keeping considered excessive and just downright annoying??? Continue reading… because I think I may have found every single annoyance in relation to time… to a point where I wish it just didnt exist.

The Bill Payment Structure
My credit card bill is due on the 6th of each month… so I have massive anxiety to get to my credit card bill pay app to pay it by that date. But what happens when I’m late? I have all intentions of paying my bills each month so why do these credit card companies, banks, or utility/cable companies have to tell me exactly what day they want their payment? Like wtf!? Why do they feel a need to charge a late fee if I dont pay by that date? Greedy assholes. We have enough technology to create a software designed to let the customers pay when they please each month and collect interest based on their date of payment. A due date is seriously NOT NECESSARY.

Workplace Time Micromanagement
8 to 5 Monday through Friday… why the fuck is it 8 am? Which knucklehead chose 8 am for society’s workplace start time? Why couldnt it be 10 to 6? Or better yet, 10 to 4. We dont need to be at work for 8 hours and we really dont need to wake up as early as we do. Its nuts and its soooo not necessary. How about when I come to work 5 or so minutes late? Its like the end of the world. Write ups, lectures, warnings, etc. What is the difference if I’m there early, on time, or a few minutes late? When I get to work makes no difference on my work ethic, how I organize my day, and how effective I am. It truly only causes unnecessary anxiety and stress, which ruins the vibe for the rest of my day. Like, why do you care if Im late?

Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner
Ok, so some asshole says we eat eggs in the morning, sandwhiches for lunch, and steak for dinner. This asshole is controling what we eat and around the time of day we eat it. Then it becomes society’s norm. Why? Why does food have to be categorized like this? Why couldnt they (whoever they is) just invent foods and we get to choose when we eat whatever food we want to eat? Its just so fucked up.

OMG You Sleep So Late!!!!
Ok dickhead… so who told you what time was late? I’m typing this out at 2 am and anxious that it is getting late and that I should be sleeping. I hate every human being that is out and about at 8 or 9 am too. Like coming to the bank to bitch and complain right when we open on a Saturday. Dude, sleep in. Chill out. Relax. If you get 8 hours or even 7 or 6 hours of sleep… what time you go to bed is nobodys business.

Cleaning Your House
So when I’m at work and when I’m at home I have to get by until my productive kick hits. Which is usually in the afternoon, probably closest to 4pm. Around this time I really start to gain my momentum and get moving. So sometimes cleaning my house goes into the night. What’s the big deal?

Why is it so frowned upon? Why do people tell you that you’re careless if you choose not to be at a certain place at a certain requested time? I do care. I care about everything. I probably had a panic attack on the way here because I was so late. But sometimes you just cant help it. I hate time. With a passion.

…TIME…
I once got a wine glass as a gift for my birthday… on this wine glass is a time mantra that I live by:

ALWAYS LATE BUT WORTH THE WAIT.

The bill should be due on the one day each month that is convenient for the customer. The fact that the bill needs to be paid is anxiety enough, stamping a due date on it makes it feel so wrong. As long as the intentions to pay are there, the customer should decide if they want to pay on the 5th one month and the 15th the next. It got paid, didnt it????

What time I arrive to an event, party, or even work doesnt change the fact that I am, still, all in… usually the start time noted isnt necessary to begin with. Everyone is just standing around, waiting for the day (or night) to start & I could be doing other things, like sleeping, putting my makeup on, or folding a load of laundry.

Some people work well with time while others do not… I dont admire the people who are early or on time. I pity them. I pity their OCD way of life and pity the fact that I got quadruple the amount of things done in my day than they have, even after I’ve arrived 5 minutes later than them. But nobody looks at how effective you are, or how much you got done in your day, or how you’re in the top 10 percent in sales rankings quarter to date. They look at when you got there. The time it took for you to get going. The coffee you made right before you sat down to check your email.

Hey big, bad bosses of the 21st century. Youve got your heads so far up your asses. Please get your priorities straight.

Society shouldnt tell me what I should be doing and when. I should be telling myself what I should be doing and do it when I feel comfortable doing it.

I will freely contradict myself when I say that the people who come to work on time pick up the time slack that I lack when I’m late. It keeps the order. At the same time, we should revolutionize time and start working on the internal clock schedule. We should have accomdating schedules based on our productive phases and averages on each day. And eat breakfast at 4pm if we please.

Who’s with me?

#queenforpresident2016
#maketheworkplacegreatagain
#clockexit
#ditchthe8hourworkday
#eatbreakfastfordinner
#gettherewhenyougetthere
#time

UBER

I started driving in March of 2016 for Uber and Lyft… what started out as a way to make money, a glorified second job, turned into a newfound love, a hobby…

I’ve been looking to pick up a second job in January of this year. I have so much going on this year that requires so much money that I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to make ends meet. I applied at various places but every position required that I leave work, punch in, and report to another shift at night two nights a week. I physically couldn’t do it. It just wasn’t possible. Chubs has been almost pushing me to sign up to drive…kept telling me how it was “life changing”. I wasn’t sure if I liked the idea of driving. I didn’t want strangers in my car. What if I was hurt, assaulted, raped, killed, etc., etc. What if I picked up someone I knew, a bank customer, or a family member unknowingly. At this point, I had no other choice… I signed up.

Let me tell you… to all the single moms out there, to all the people struggling to make ends meet… to anyone who is bored, wants a money making hobby, a way to make extra cash… THIS JOB IS FOR YOU!!!!

Never did I think I would love driving for Uber and Lyft as much as I do. I love picking people up knowing that I’ve done my due diligence by allowing them to get to where they need to be and home by not driving drunk. I love meeting new people, the thrill of not knowing where they are going, exploring new places, pick ups from mansions, drop offs at places I never knew existed. Making my own hours, driving my own car, making as much money as I wanted…

It became the highlight of my week. I devised a magic number, the amount of money I needed to make in a day, and would drive till I hit my goal. It is truly an adrenalin rush.

In the first month, with the sign-on bonuses I earned from completing 30 runs in 30 days, I made over 2k driving. I calculated the mileage, gas, and time I spent and found that it was actually worth my while.

I want all of you to seriously consider driving for a ride share platform in your area (if offered). It is truly something that will make you happy. I instantly feel better about myself while doing this… I am asked out on dates (a separate post about this coming soon), I meet divorced mothers and share stories about our struggles, and I feel a sense of satisfaction that these people aren’t out driving and endangering others by driving drunk.

☆You will need to sign up through UBER by going to their site and sign up to be a driver.
☆Input your information and in the INVITE CODE section, please enter: jessicac5367ue
☆ Here is the link for the invite code: INVITE CODE
☆ You will upload your drivers license, proof of insurance, and registration. Each city has different standards on the type of vehicle (year/make/model) that meets the criteria to drive.
☆ Uber will run a background check and will have you up and running in no time!

•••PLEASE NOTE: YOU WILL GET A SIGN ON BONUS IF YOU USE MY INVITE CODE. IT WILL VARY FROM CITY TO CITY. I RECEIVED A $200 BONUS AFTER I COMPLETED 30 RIDES IN 30 DAYS. IT WAS SUPER EASY TO GET DONE. I WILL ALSO RECEIVE A REFERRAL BONUS IF YOU USE MY CODE AND COMPLETE THE REQUIRED RUNS. YOU WILL TRULY BE HELPING ME BY USING THIS INVITE CODE… AND CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW MUCH IT MEANS TO ME.•••

☆ Lyft has a similar sign up process to Uber. You will go to LYFT’S website and sign up to drive.
☆ In the invite code section you can enter: JESSICA155808 – this code will give you incentive if you complete a certain amount of runs in a given number of days – this varies by the city you live in.

In addition to driver bonuses, you can use the same code as passengers. Entering the above code in the payments section will give you NEW RIDER incentive, like $20 off a ride.

•••These codes are valid for new passengers only•••

Please do not hesitate to ask questions in the comments section. By using these codes you will be helping me out tremendously. Also, it would be wonderful if you guys passed this entry along…

…UBER…
Uber is amazing when youre the driver. It makes me feel good. I never thought I would be doing this, but cant picture life (or my bank account) with out it.

xx

Trust Your Gut

JANUARY 2015

So… I meet this guy. We’ll call him Chubs. Mainly because its a nickname I’ve tagged him late last year. He’s a Fleet Supervisor, a Day Trader, owns a Windshield company, teaches CPL classes. An all around decent guy. 46 years old, a cancer. We don’t have a first date. The conversation and sexual attraction is strong. He gets me. He lets me be. Doesn’t bother me. Im myself around him. We meet and hang out at his house. He just moved to my neighborhood and lives only a couple miles from my house. His house is relaxing, comfortable. He has a dog, which had to stay in her cage, since shes a really big boxer and I was afraid of larger dogs.  He takes me to restaurants down where he used to live, lets me in on his hidden gems from his old city. Tells me about his past… he is divorced, his wife took him for what he was worth, moved to Florida with their teenaged son, found out she had cancer, then died. His son moved back to our state and lives with his grandparents (ex-inlaws).

FEBRUARY 2015

Our first time having sex was amazing. I can’t take birth control since I get bad side affects but opted in to a birth control shot. But it was good…he’s definitely the type who knows exactly what to do. Im shy and intimidated. He already brings up that he wants to be serious and would eventually like me to move in. He teaches me about day trading. He tells me about the music he likes. Takes me to local concerts. Has me meet his friends. Lets me know he’s planned a trip to New York the last week of February for a day trading conference/expo. The room is booked at the Marriott right in Times Square. I decide to join. Anxious, I hop aboard a plane and head to NY city for the first time with a guy I’ve been with for a month…but our time out there turned out beautifully. We spent time walking the city. It was cold but was so beautiful. We ate, we visited the expo, we shopped..  bought my daughter an American Girl Doll. I truly enjoyed his company.

MARCH 2O15

My birthday rolls around and he brings me the most thoughtful gift. His card was so sweet. Our 3rd time having sex (we didnt see each other often). And the connection is getting strong. Im at his house and open up a pill bottle on his counter top.. hydrocodone 10/325. He tells me it helps relax him. He has back problems and refuses surgery. In that bottle I saw one single blue pill… he didn’t really have an explenation for what it was. I pop a Vic and experience a nice mellow high for the rest of the night. We spend our free nights together. I sit on his lap while he trades the European Market. We clean his house together. It felt so nice being a part of a little team. I let his dog out of her cage for the first time and instantly fall in love with her. He buys me my very first vibrator, which I keep at his house. I start feel a little off down there…

APRIL 2015

We have sex again. Its great, but he didn’t seem too into it this time. I don’t know why. It didn’t really bother me much….spoiler: that was our last time doing “it”…. he starts adding more to his workload and starts driving for a couple rideshare platforms (I have a separate post talking about this to come). He has season tickets to the baseball team and invites me to their opening day. Out here opening day is HUGE. He mentioned he was losing out by not selling the tickets and not being able to rideshare people out to the game. He asks me to get out of my cell phone plan and move to his. I was so reluctant to do it, but thought of it as an out to paying a phone bill. Eventually, we stop spending time together. I felt like I was competing with his driving addiction… but we still kept the relationship going.

MAY 2015

I start noticing little white lies. Things he did and said didn’t seem to match. Its too detailed to explain but things were just weird, like saying he had a winter car(Mercedes ML) that he kept in storage that I never saw, or that he had all this money, yet works non-stop… Regardless, I really enjoyed being with him and when he made himself available, he was so amazing to me. But he started complaining about money and how I was holding him back. He stopped trading as much and was driving more. I saw that his newly replenished prescription would deplete in a little over a week. He asked me to drive out downtown with him one day… met up a friend at a gas station. I stayed in the car while they talked. He came back with a full pill bottle. I popped it open and took a pill, a nice high for the night.

JUNE 2015

I started complaining of our lack of sex. He with held it from me… with no explanation as to why. I’d spend nights with him, barely any affection. He was the best sleeper next to me, he’d hold me through the night…but no sex. None. It got to the point where I would basically beg, when it should be the other way around.. and still nothing.

JULY 2015

His birthday rolls around and tell him non-stop that I’d like to make plans for him. He was never good at making plans. He’d get upset and tell me to take things one day at a time. He asks that I start paying part of the phone bill. I am on his plan, I changed my number for him, and was kinda pissed I had to dish out $100 a month for it when my bill before joining his plan was less. I committed to a contract and felt that I shouldn’t put up a fight and just pay. He meets my daughter and she loves him! They got along great. Wed have weekly barbecues and take walks by the water. Once his birthday came.. he decides he wanted to see his son and would meet with me once he was done. I got ready, all dressed up and just waited. He didn’t get a hold of me till after 11. We ended up going to a 24 hour diner. It was bad… then didn’t hear the end of it. Him saying that all he got was a diner dinner and he wasn’t even hungry. No sex.

AUGUST 2015

Im sick of it. This relationship was a mess. I was unfulfilled on so many levels but I was dependant on having him in my life. We break up.

SEPTEMBER 2015

Mid-month, we start up again. He would call and text constantly till I caved. My car was repossessed and he offers to help me out…but asked that I pay him back + $100. Didn’t he realize that I am a single mom and struggling right now? I was thankful that he even offered, regardless. Things seemed to be getting better. But still off. No sex. I was getting the feeling that he needed companionship. More than what his dog can give him. He called me a million times a day. But never really made any effort to see me. He began lecturing me like I was his second child. How to live, how to raise my daughter, how to work, manage money, etc. He liked hearing the sound of his own voice.

OCTOBER 2015

I decide on another break up. Which only lasts the month.

NOVEMBER 2015

We’re back together… or whatever you want to call it. Back to talking about the possibility of moving in together. Im sick of paying bills. But Im not going to drop my life for him. I want more. He’s running out of his persription. He starts hinting that I switch my primary care doctor to his and ask him for a script of the highly sought after opiate. He asks me to find him some. He was completely out and terrified of the withdrawal symptoms. I was terrified for him too. I ask around and buy some for him from a friend. I take some of his too. I liked the feeling. I have chronic pain so it really helped me.

DECEMBER 2015

2015 was nearing end… and I told myself that if 2016 was a replay of the last that I would have a serious break-down. I was so over the mess in my life, but had no idea as to where to start cleaning up. Chubs was just there. There wasn’t much to us. I had him meet the family. Deep down in my heart I felt that we could truly be something. I know he loves me. My family liked him. Things went great. We decorate his Christmas Tree, go to Christmas Mass together, exchange well thought out Christmas gifts…but something was still missing.

JANUARY – MAY 2016

Happy New Year! Our relationship is stagnant. We both know that we can make things work but totally confused as to how. I have deep love for Chubs and can explain why I stick around yet can’t find the need to leave. We aren’t in much of a relationship but I want him… I want him in my life. I want a future with him.

…Trust Your Gut…
But what if you don’t exactly know what its telling you? Chubs and I are back and forth. He keeps stringing me along. Calls me so many times per day. Keeps me as a phone buddy. Im still unsure as to how things will turn out with him but hope that things solidify and we can be a serious couple and plan a future together. I don’t want or need any other man but him in my life…

*UPDATE*

It’s been a little over a year and I’m back… I think. For now, at least.

I’m tired. It’s 1 am and I’m forcing myself to stay awake. I know I’m going to regret it in the morning. I ALWAYS DO.

I dont even know where to begin! SO much has changed in the past year, it’s seriously sick. Especially going back and reading my previous posts.

Guess I’ll update by category and go from there:

WORK

  1. I  left my in-store banking location and opted for a traditional branch.
  2. I was’nt particularly happy with my decision, but since my daughter started kindergarten, I really had no other choice.
  3. I was miserable, the branch I moved to is considered Universal. Bankers ran teller transactions. This is similar to in-store locations but on crack. [I have a post lined up regarding this issue]
  4. I continously complained, my sales were on a serious decline, my boss wasnt supportive, my bonuses were a quarter of my norm.
  5. I didnt know what to do.
  6. After a complete work melt-down and a series of life altering work place changes (my boss/friend quitting, a colleague quitting, another getting a promotion) I was asked to move to a close by, non-Universal branch.
  7. This change was made in January 2016.
  8. I’m so much happier at the new place.
  9. I have a desk, I can focus on expanding my business, building relationships, growing within the company.
  10. Things are settled, I’m comfortable.

RELATIONSHIPS

  1. Captain and I stopped talking. No contact whatsoever. Hes on his way to being engaged and has plans on building a house for her… the blonde hygenist with my car.
  2. I found all this out because he decided to stop in to my new location earlier this year.
  3. Our no contact was stemmed from the fact that I was in a new relationship as well.
  4. I still think about Captain. I miss our nights together. I miss sex. I havent had sex in a YEAR and ONE MONTH. I miss our conversations. He was the type of man I would like to see myself with.
  5. I swiped RIGHT. On my first day (back) on.
  6. I started dating this man who lived about a mile from my house. He just moved to my area and just started using Tinder. He is 46 years old. House. Stable career. Etc… We dated for the year.
  7. [Detailed post of Relationship to come….]

ME

  1. My life was probably worse off in 2015 than it was in 2014. I guess odd years arent good for me. It was a clusterfuck times ten.
  2. I almost lost my condo, my car, my job, my life… Everything that Pirate said would happen to me after leaving him was SO close to coming true.
  3. I became even more depressed and anxious. Overwhelmed.
  4. I told myself that if 2016 was a continuation of the year prior, that I would make a dramatic change… this included: *giving my daughter to her dad and running away. *killing myself. -or- *going bat shit crazy, straight jacket, padded room, rehab crazy.
  5. My house a non-stop mess.
  6. Order and routine had to switch, AGAIN, once my daughter started school.
  7. Moving to another location at work and the adjustment process made it worse.
  8. I stopped taking care of myself.
  9. I aged – significantly.
  10. Two grey hairs.
  11. 20 pound weight gain.
  12. Some health concerns.
  13. And my ex-father in law passed away…
  14. Things progressively got better and I started the new year (2016) with a clean slate and renewed mentality.
  15. I am settled at work.
  16. A semi-routine has been enforced.
  17. My daughter can read! She is going on a sucessful year in Kindergarten and is ready to move on to First Grade.
  18. I got a second job. [Details to follow in separate post]
  19. I caught up on my bills, for the most part.
  20. I am a NEW AUNTIE!! My neice was born in April!
  21. I’m starting to feel a little better about life and my future…

…UPDATE…

We are in May. Almost half way through the year. Things will continue to get better. But life is always a work in progress. It will always be a mess (in someone’s eyes), there will always be room for improvement. The realization of a blessing is much harder than the pity party you create in your head and bring into your surroundings. Continuing TRANSITION…..

Tinder

I do not, by any means, need a man…

But I’m bored. And there’s nothing to do.

I could go to the gym…. sex is a good workout too, though!

I could be busy taking care of my home and myself…

For some reason, I go into these phases where I just want a man in my life. It’s when I’m feeling good and feel like I can take on another relationship/person (aside from my daughter and myself).

So last week I decide to join Tinder … Again.

————————————

I joined last February when a girlfriend of mine told me about it. I was still a mess and felt like these sites were one big joke. A place to hook up. One night stands. Pointless meetings. Forcing nature from truly taking its course. Derailing you from naturally meeting who you are supposed to be with.

But I joined anyway.

I got to know a guy who seemed pretty decent. Woke up early everyday to go to the gym, worked for a well-known insurance company… About a week later, I find out that he doesn’t have a car, his credit is shot, and he has no money…. I stop talking to him soon after.

In May of last year, I get bored again, so I’m back on. This time changing my requirements from men ages 38 to 50. This will weed out the carless children.

I meet this great 42-year-old guy who has everything a woman could want or desire. Good looking, sweet, beautiful home, good job, a young daughter (built-in sister for Princess).. All is well! We go on our first date and it turns out amazing!!! But as I got to know him, I realized how short a fuse he has. Just about anything can set the guy off. One night his daughter asked him to cut up an apple for her before she went to bed and he freaked out! The next day I stop talking to him.

Then in June, I started talking to a 50-year-old man… He was crap. I kept him around to shove him in Captain’s face whenever I needed. I do, still, keep in touch with this one. I feel bad to say that I can only see him as a friend.

I noticed that once I find a person of interest I go back and deactivate my account.

After the last one, I knew that I wouldn’t be finding the man of my dreams by “swiping right”…

————————————

So… One more shot?

…Tinder….
Despite my luck with this dating app, this tought will still, often cross my mind:

To Tinder or Not to Tinder?

That IS the question.

Drive By

Sooo… I’m crazy.

I miss Captain.

He visited work on a day he knows I’m normally there, but I decided to call in that day (needing a break). My colleagues will always send a text at the sight of him…

The next day I decided to do my weekly grocery shop at his location. We talked for a little bit and I asked him what his plans were for the rest of his day. He informed me that his girlfriend would be stopping by his house after he left work.

Loading my groceries into my car I took a minute to think about all we talked about… He’s already left for the day…

On my way home something possess me to drive a mile and a half out of my way right past his house.

Her car, right alongside his pick-up… Both silver. She drives the same car I do. Just that quick glimpse of their cars together crushes my heart.

I couldn’t stop thinking about it for days…

Friday night, that same week, I go by there again… Its late and I thought for sure his car would be the only one there. Maybe this time around, seeing his car alone, would help me feel better.

Both cars were there… And, this time, I actually saw a vision in my mind as to what was going on inside: him making love to her.

After that night, I woke up and told myself that I’ve had enough. It’s over… even though it never even started. I need to stop doing this to myself and start moving on. I need someone who is all in with me. Who wants it just as bad as I do. And I can’t keep hurting myself.

***Drive By***
Pain (in relationships) is what I am used to. I inflict this pain upon myself, like a cutter who enjoys cutting. It’s all I know. I habitually find myself involved with people who are no good for me. The emotionally unavailable. The mental abusers. The control freaks.

The men who are all right for me are the ones I find myself least attracted to. I want to keep doing drive by’s, and wondering, and finding myself trying to change the man to feel something I want him to feel.

I don’t want it easy. I want work. I’ll keep working till I snap. Give up. Then its on to the next one…